Today, I feel worthless. I’m broke and unsure of what my next move should be. I constantly feel in doubt of myself and my abilities to thrive in the world. Imposter syndrome rules my mind each and every time I set out to make money doing what I am passionate about. It isn’t until I am doing the actual work that I start feeling the “Yes! Yes, this is me!”, but it takes so much to get there and it seems to only happen when I’m not actually fighting for it. So, what do I do? Stop fighting for it? No. I can’t.
Do you know that feeling when you’re eyes are still adjusting to a new light? You’re squinting and can’t quite see well enough to navigate forward. That’s kind of what I feel like right now. I’ve stepped out of a dark tunnel and into a field so bright that a huge part of me wants to scurry right back into the hole I came from. But, I can’t. I just have to keep taking small steps forward and let my body and mind adjust. I haven’t taken on any big paying clients, I haven’t even written the blogs from last summer’s travel yet. I don’t have a following. Shit, the only people reading this now are family and friends – but I have to be okay with that.
I am currently on a trip with my daughters for their spring break. We’re camping in Florida, and I am trying like crazy to make this enjoyable for all of us. These trips take money – especially with the cost of fuel right now. Travel is expensive, but in one form or another – it’s what I am trying to sell. It isn’t until I am gone on the road that I start feeling more like myself. No – I take that back. I feel perfectly whole staying at home with my son and working a 9 to 5. I like to work. It feels good to be accomplished. That is the whole point behind all of this really.
I told my son the other day (my son who is struggling with getting his school work turned in on time) that the best way to feel better about his situation is to get shit done. Ask yourself, “What needs to be done?” and then DO IT. There is nothing that will make you feel better than a sense of accomplishment.
And well, I guess I am answering the question to my own dilemma here. I know what I need to do. I have the to-do list. Now, I just need to do it. Just like Zaid needs to do his homework, I need to do mine. I need money, so I need to make some. To stop feeling worthless, I need to do the things that make me feel worthy. I know what they are.
The world we live in has made hiding in a dark cave easy. It has made soothing the surface of our issues as simple as scrolling on the phone in our hand, but in doing so, we are ignoring the big issues underneath the surface. We are able to get a quick fix of endorphins easily without ever actually doing what makes us feel good about ourselves.
My biggest goal is to change that. To help us become more aware of the present moments we are in and embrace the ocean that is our life – the entire ocean – not just the waves crashing on top. I don’t need to feel imposter syndrome about that. I just need to do it.